The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
