I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize
