the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
