Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
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