you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
