i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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