I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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