Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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