...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm too high and old for this...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
