I'm so fucking centered right now
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
