you would pick up someone in the library
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
