I am puke
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
