my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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