can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
