Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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