We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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