well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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