this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
