The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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