Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize