new low.... made out with someone while peeing
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
