You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize