in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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