So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
