life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
