can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize