I look better un-naked...
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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