you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You can't motorboat a personality
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize