Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
