It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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