My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
