Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
