I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
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