mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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