two words: eviction party
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just gargled with NyQuil
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
