textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
