My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
