Midget sex pt 2 tonight
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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