I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
