I want to walk on stilts...naked
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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