Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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