It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
