I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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