anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
