Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Come see our sink grown plant.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
