Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize