i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
