She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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