Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Just pee around me
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
