Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
