Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
We talked him into tasing himself.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
