Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
