She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
