I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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