Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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