Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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