Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
