having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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