I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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